Author Archives: mike

Lord of The Isles – Gigha

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The plan was to fly somewhere. The democratic choices were France, Ireland or Orkney. The weather was the dictator. We were heading to none of them, possibly.

All trips start with checks

Remedial landings done – check;
New plane but low hours – check;
Untried GPS – check;
Untried wiring – check;
First time Kim and I have flown together over distance – check;
Unknown destinations and suspect runways – check;
Busiest time at work all year to leave – check;
This was all set to be the mother of all disasters – check

And it wasn’t. It was brilliant. unchecked;

It did not start well though.

We were set to fly off on Monday – but the weather was appalling so we all gave up (sensibly of course). So we all assembled on Tuesday. Where we all spent ages working out where to go and fixing bits that didn’t work. We were then ready to set off. That was when our plane didn’t start. After all that time at the airfield I hadn’t figured that checking the plane started was a low prioirity… doh! It was a loose wire so ok so far. Graeme’s ipod needed rebooting so I spent less time standing around as others with more ability to squeeze into microspaces looking or broken wires spotted the problem. Fixed. We set off in a single squadron.

We took off which was a bit of an experiment – we were fully loaded with Kim and I , full tank and most of the Tiso camping department bulging from the luggage space and the lightweight duvets in the wings. Acually most of the weight on take off was the boxes of wine, soay sheep sausages and my countless gadgets.

We took off. And stayed in the air – things were going well.

We then found out that there was a domino effect that neither of us found flying alone. Kim in the back pushed me forward. Mike and his stomach pushed the map forward. There was no space between this and the radio. Thus the map did three actions randomly – each of which confuse a pilot but together really confuse a pilot. In any case they really confused me.

The map hit the ‘squelch’ which rendered a high pitched squeak into our headphones, at the same time it changed the radio channel to something random like Edinburgh Airport Approach but fortunately also changed the radio from transmit mode to ‘lets find a VFR beacon mode’). Either one of these was a bit of a puzzle if it had ever happened before – all three happening together was a bit like solving a rubik’s cube if you are colour blind – whilst you are trying to follow more experienced pilots on a track through the edge of controlled airspace where we could be colliding with any number of larger planes.

This was a good start. I was the pilot and although I could have relied on the expensive GPS I had strapped on for comfort – I was really concerned about radio. It would be nice to speak to the others before landing. Just for separation reasons.

Kim had come across some problems and I had come across others before. Together we were back on track and speaking to everyone else. This was the first 10 minutes and we had a couple of hours to go. I had a stomach to lose or the map and although the map would be easier to lose it was a bit reassuring to know where you were.

The trip was beginning finally as we swiftly advanced into the squadron finally all on radio, all swiftly looking forward and swiftly missing the cessna aircraft powering down on us. ‘What type of airspace are we flying in’ did Colonel Blimp (transferred to the air force) blustered at Air Traffic Control. Encountering 4 microlights must have come as a bit of a shock when you imagine you are in some form of protected space (very few horizontal and vertical acres of the UK air space).

West Linton VRP (Visual Reference Point aka obvious thing to spot) rushed past with the GPS completely shouting TERRAIN TERRAIN TERRAIN and clearing the map as if we were plunging into the bloody hill. From there are three cities and New Lanark (which isn’t new at all but an industrial experiment and that seems to have some ghastly Charlie Dimmock garden stuck inappopriately on the roof. Apart from distracting passing pilots this must be a demented idea of an espresso fuelled public agency.

Over nuclear power stations and the outflow, long lines of pylons, the track where Gordon learned to fly, over Bute and over the sea, not to Skye, but to Gigha.

Over the water down to the airfield and then it was an encouraging landing – too high, too fast, too high, too fast, too left, too right. Remember not to land. Smooth landing. Long runway.

Taxi plane to camping ground, unload planes. Smile.

The weather is glorious so we all decide to fly over the Jura runway to check it for landing tomorrow – ready for takeoff. Graeme signals a problem and a carburretor rubber decides that it wants to split. Gordon would fly back and pick up a spare but we also try calling the club to see if anyone there could fly over – and a rescue party is assembled.

Richard builds tent, being an architect I expected something grander, while cattle look on adoringly. Kim builds tent and hobbles plane. We walk to pub. We eat/drink and walk back. Whisky party in graeme’s tent then stagger back and fall over titanium tent pegs and into our cocoon.

Snores echo around – it is just as well we are all miles from anywhere. Bliss.

Lord Of The Isles – Jura

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Breakfast on Gigha consisted of convincing Kim not to stand downwind when the jar of petrol syphoned out of a microlight was poured to ‘encourage’ combustion of the breakfast fire. The resulting explosion fortunately missed Kim who stood watching the explosion heading towards her like a rabbit in the headlines. Boiled eggs and soay sheep sausages went down well.

A walk to the hotel toilet and a wander around the lovely gardens (beside the lovely B&B which we missed due to camping) and a walk back to pack up. The campsite was now mobbed with three axis aircraft who flew in with the rescuer of Grahams carburretor. All assembled we took off heading to Jura on a bright sunny day.

Jura is a tricky place to get to normally – there is a ferry from Islay and a lot of the island has no roads. The Paps of Jura are a rough set of hills with an annual race across them. Jura is also the place the KLF decided to burn a million pounds of cash in the name of Art. There is a grass strip beside a gorgeous white beach nestling against a tempting blue sea, so tempting that after missing the foliage on landing and paddling I decided to strip down to my punders and do a Reggie Perrin into the sea.

Refreshing with a fantastic view of the paps of Jura as I swim through the floating seaweed. I swam back and disrobed under the wing hanging towels and punders on the flying wires. So what is it about the naked form that causes everyone to become a papparazzi photographer. With their wide angle lenses they ‘accidentally’ caught both sides of me (backside and a ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ moment) whilst Kim dries my goolies.

A wee girl appeared from the beach asking about flying and if we had been camping we could have done fun flights for anyone around – but we had a schedule so we took off with dogs running around the strip chasing sticks over the bouncy grass strip and took off before the large ditch at the end.

Over the ‘George Orwell’ typed here house where in 1948 he wrote 1984 (transposition typos were common even then) and hence over the Corryvreckan whirlpool which didn’t look inviting even from 3,000 feet. Over the sunken slate quarries near Seal Island and over the Bridge over the Atlantic (no not under it!) to cross the Sound of Mull and tracking into Glenforsa on Mull.

Kim decided to do an interesting approach dropping down below the tree line before emerging in a heartstopping drop and smooth landing to roll up to the others. We set camp under the planes and headed into the pub, which is run by pilots. Splendid dinner and lots of lubrication meant we all headed back to our respective tents tripping over Richard’s tent lines set out to trap the unwary traveller. After the third person tripping over Richard’s lines he suddenly realised that Mike was still to trip over it which could be catastrophic for everyone but Mike had his head torch and managed to stumble over his own tent instead.

I managed to sleep well although managed to disturb everyone else who ill advisedly camped in earshot of splendid sonic snoring.

————————————–
I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

David Feinberg
from Harold and Kumar Escape From Guatanamo Bay

No Fuel Like An Old Fuel

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Welcome to Scotland – just bring a bike.

The refinery at Grangemouth has a 2 day strike and absolute chaos breaks out – panic buying causes rationing of fuel and on going out for dinner now we have to phone ahead to a garage to ensure they have diesel. We are only allowed to buy it in 10 pound increments in Kelso and 20 pound increments in Coldstream and almost got banned by accidentally putting in 20 pounds and 17 pence with the pounds whirling past faster than a drunken dervish. I am mystified as to what people are doing with all the fuel and do they not normally fill up their tanks – a minimum fuel fillup rather than maximum would be better strategy for queuing and probably for fuel efficiency.

To add insult to injury we are now treated as fuel lepers when we turn up with jerry cans to fuel the microlight and we are fast running out of fuel in our store. The Scottish Government are now shipping in fuel from abroad and the economy is losing 50 million per day as pipelines are closing down because someone suddenly noticed that Grangemouth is the single source of energy supply for pumping oil in from the rigs.

I flew our new microlight for the first time after my check flight. Naturally down to my home – 30 minutes from East Fortune to Lempitlaw at 90mph skimming past the landscape over the clouds. It rained so I didn’t tarry to buzz the neighbours but zoomed back northward to land at high speed with no wind to slow me down. The scenario went like this in the clubhouse – one woman watching her hubby landing perfectly and extolling his virtues to the assembled crowd of tea drinkers when Kim excitedly saw her hubbie enter the circuit in their gleaming new plane, come careering into finals far too high and diving at high speed missing the grass runway, ballooning several times, wavering through overcontrolling to finally drop out of the sky and bounce several times on the runway before careering to a stop using the brakes before the fence. I decided to try that one again and managed to demonstrate some great overcontrolling but had less of a bounce – so am going to have some remedial landing lessons as they will be cheaper than a new plane.

Fright Night

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Seeing tourist sites in the Borders can be less than exciting so I jumped at the opportunity of spending a night in two of them with the Borders Paranormal Group and the ‘Most Haunted’ co-star Derek Acorah, the man Paul Daniels described as ‘laughable’. Sadly the completely bonkers and squonking Yvette Fielding didn’t manifest. Standing in the queue to sign up for the Anthony Nolan Trust sponsored evening I handed over my sponsor dosh and met my co-conspirators Sally and Susan and the well named Borders paranormal group, although subnormal may be a more appropriate description. But hey getting locked in a cell with a bunch of woman is my idea of fun so bring it on. Wot no fluffy handcuffs? And keep your ectoplasm to yourself.

What was brought on was Derek Acorah at the ‘Mary Queen of Scots’ house in Jedburgh – so called because she stopped off there to use the lavatory and ended up spending the night. If ghostly smells were going to apparate then her lavatory stench was something that was going to put me off my chicken wrap. Derek went through his vaudeville act, flashing his gold rolex, but then in a move that completely threw me and my plan to use my cold reading techniques to unmask a fraud – he confessed that the Most Haunted series was entirely staged with extras throwing things and kicking stools over. Sceptics if you can’t beat them join them. However this heart felt confession was merely an opportunity to promote his new show which was going to be based on ‘real investigations’ and ‘proving’ the existence of the spirit world. It may be that on hearing about James Randi’s Pigasus million dollar prize, for provable supernatural techniques, that he has decided to line his fast approaching retirement pot with that.

Is there anybody there? I am getting a name ‘Jane’ – does anyone know or is connected with a Jane in the group? It may well be that he thought I looked a bit like Tarzan, but I was not going to shop my jungle mate to a medium when Susan piped up that her mothers middle name was Jane. I was surprised in an audience of about 30 that there weren’t more but Susan took the bait and chow’d down on the ‘and you are sensitive but don’t know it’ line. Who was left handed? Surpringsly only Susan put up her left hand demonstrating that she was not only sensitive but also ‘sinister’ but she would be comfortable in this house as it had a left handed staircase – who writes this stuff? Derek could sense the ‘great lady’ (I wasn’t too sure whether he was referring to Southpaw Susan, Elizabeth I who was a great lady, but had never visited Jedburgh, or the conniving bitch Mary who was going to sell us down the river to the French (enabling us to all be speaking German now). There were four groups (we were B for Best) and Derek was being time managed carefully by a team of little old ladies who would wrench him from channelling Elizabethan noblemen by the magic phrase ‘the bus is here’.

Sally had a cold spot down her back which Susan and I verified by giving her a revigorating back massage and we were bussed back, waving like groupies at Derek enjoying his fly fag (medium tip?), back to Jedburgh Jail for our Fright Night. The night started reasonably frighteningly with sachet coffee (wot no espresso) juxtaposed with the ladies toilet with the dangerous mix of people emerging from trances on the way to the toilet jostling the people greedily overfilling flimsy paper cups with scalding hot Nescafe coloured water. A bunch of bizarrely clad storytellers entertained the captive crowd shouting phrases such as ‘bite my clap ridden arse’, whilst our Pippi Longstocking spirit guide was doing tarot readings to fleece the gullible.

People started to get very excited because someone had photographed an ‘orb’ – a hum of anticipation raced through the room as people clambered upon people to stare at an LCD screen on a compact camera as a blurry orb was shown, followed quickly by ‘and I have a figure of a lady too’. Orbs for those who spend their life protected from bullshit are a well known photographic anomaly where a camera flash lights dust or pollen particles or especially rain forming a sphere in pictures. Take a photo with no flash you get no orbs, take one with flash you will get an orb – especially in old places that are dusty. Outside is good too, especially when raining as it was. Video, especially infrared is also susceptible. As for the photograph of a ghostly woman – there are several photographs of ghosts in existence. Most have been established as frauds. If one was taken this would be a wee bit more than just an excited paranormal group – this would be a world event. From what I could see it is difficult to tell whether it is an anomaly of the light, or perhaps the Large Hadron Collider time travellers have started appearing already in Jedburgh Jail during a paranormal night – using Occam’s razor I tend to favour the simplistic solution of a wandering ghosthunter, or a desperate fraudulent act to court attention or simply a light anomaly. I knew I wouldn’t be happy until I had an orb so went roaming around taking pictures until I got one and then a few. Then I got bored and went back to annoy Susan and Sally. The orbs were going to return frequently though in the subnormal group’s chatter – although they tended to be orbs that they could see but no-one else could. That was when I realised that an alternative explanation to this was a mild form of mental illness – or perhaps they should have gone to SpecSavers. In any case getting this excited about a photographic anomaly highlights particularly poor research.

We had a tour of the jail which was otherwise a fairly jolly musuem and in reality wasn’t that old or terrible so we ended up in a modern unscary room with CCTV and spotlights and labelled artifacts behind glass panels. Derek arrived, the lights went out and the theatre of the bizarre started. First of all as the lights went out a supernatural phenomena happens – everyone grabs a video camera and starts filming in the dark with their faces spookily lit by the LCD screen. Meanwhile Derek is channelling whoever he has read about in the Jedburgh Jail guidebook including a prisoner called Brown who is a nasty man and will start interfering with the women in the room. If this happens we men (there were 2 of us) were to stand in front of the women, presumably to make sure we weren’t the ones interfering with them. I wasn’t too sure what would happen if Brown had realised that there were more woman than men and he could play an abusive game of chess with the men pawns unable to defend all of their queens. Perhaps one man could defend a conga line of woman. Sadly that didn’t get put to the test. The next phenomena is that the lights start cooling and on metal contraction make creaking noises – this is obviously ‘proof’ of Brown and consequently Life after Death and Derek launches into his potted philosophy of the afterlife and Hell. In the History of European Philosophers I am pretty certain that whoever updates Bertrand Russell’s book is not going to have to add a section on Derek Acorah.

Much more scary was the revelation that the Geordie chap in the corner was a medium (in occupation only as this chap and his wife were more on the XXXL side) and he then launched into a potted history of his spirit experiences from his childhood. I initially was sceptical but then slowly realised that we were dealing with someone with a mild, and possibly not so mild, case of mental illness. I couldn’t see this as a fraudulent exercise as he wasn’t a convincing medium but perhaps this was better than clubbing in Newcastle. He did mention that his parents tried to get him sectioned but I wasn’t convinced about his explanation that this was because they were Catholics. I did genuinely believe that some psychiatric input would not go amiss. In fact instead of the tarot readings it might be a good move for the Borders Subnormal Group to bring along some therapists next time.

Just recovering from realising that we were in the dark with a possible maniac, was when the dynamic duo of the lady in leopard tights and the Attractive Acorah Angel decided to get possessed. Incidentally I knew she was an Acorah Angel as she had this sewn on her jacket. She was a platinum blonde who is a gimmee for the live action Captain Scarlet remake as an Angel pilot, but Brown was going to have his evil way with her and before I had the chance to rush in front of her to protect her she disappeared in the arms of some subnormal helpers to the toilet to throw up. Possession or Bulimia – you choose. In any case Mrs Leopard Tights had to rush out feeling a crushing presence and threatening possession – again my protective charm was not called upon perhaps they didn’t have faith that someone with a blinking GPS light could battle the undead with his uneaten chicken wrap. The fact these women had driven up from Bristol that morning and were driving back at 4am – was possibly the most frightening thing I learned all evening. Low blood sugar, lack of sleep and an unstable mental state does not make for perfect driving skills.

With Derek gone the most entertaining thing on offer was being locked in a cell with a paranormal investigator who turned out to be claustrophobic and bunch of fake mediums who kept seeing orbs, the cell getting darker and ‘the man in the corner’ glowing. That man needless to say was me. Susan was told that she was protected because her dead grandfather was behind her, although it has to be said I wasn’t sure why she had one frozen buttock (the obvious explanation that I was warming the other one was actually proposed and was simply untrue). Sally announced she had frozen legs and someone whipped out a thermometer and started to tell us the temperature of different parts of the room (expecting them bizarrely to be the same). There was also an EMF meter measuring electromagnetic force which is not of course affected by the large electromagnetic alarm system, CCTV and countless video cameras in each cell. For those in the cell who kept saying that it was chilly I can only suggest swimming in the North Sea to actually experience chilliness or get some bamboo underwear (mine were warm, environmentally friendly, antibacterial and comfortable for lengthy spiritual vigils but not recommended if there are pandas being channelled). I was encouraged to call out the spirits and channelled Margaret Rutherford in Blithe Sprit for a short time before launching into the commanding ‘oh come on get a move on we don’t have all night here show yourself’ which went down almost as well as asking “do you think we might get a visit from Anthony Nolan?”

The evening ended with the Acorah Angel clinging to me as she heard chains in the jail corridor and to which everyone else (apart from Susan, Sally and I) agreed that they had heard them too. The Medium/XXXL announced that he was getting white noise through his hearing aid (really I am NOT making this up) and we all retired at 3:30am (ghosts have to sleep sometime and humans too – unless you have to drive back to Bristol) to watch orbs on a TV screen until I really had had enough and Sally kindly drove me home with the added attraction that her car has dual pedals as she is a driving instructress – everyone who has complained about me as a back seat driver hasn’t had me in the front seat with dual pedals…

There was 18,000 pounds raised for the Anthony Nolan Trust and we were assured that this might save a life if they find a bone marrow donor. It has to be pointed out that they don’t seem to try too hard as Kim signed up after donating blood, was never contacted and is now apparently too old to be a donor – although perhaps they didn’t want her bone marrow. The group have raised a lot of money for charity though which is obviously a good thing unless you subscribe to Oscar Wilde’s view in The Soul of Man under Socialism, as I do.

Was it worth it – well it was a bit of a giggle (who is going to take Derek Acorah seriously really?) and it was a sober night (yes really), it raised money in a way which meant I didn’t have to swim another bloody 100 lengths of Kelso Swimming Pool and I got to meet another sector of society I would normally be unlikely to meet (and I don’t mean the ghosts). And I found the more entertaining badpsychics.com and unbelievably an interesting Paul Daniels interview.

Springtime for Hitler

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Spring has sprung, the grass has been nibbled bare by the sheep and the snow is falling. Welcome to Scotland. My Spring toilet book is the Bodleian Library tome about the Invasion of Britain by Hitler – it is a fascinating read in the ‘see yourself as others see you’ genre where the Germans marvelled at our roads but poopooed everything else. To balance this I of course have the Commando 12 action comics together at last with a sprinkling of Achtungs, Gott Himmels and take that you Nazi swine.

This time of year is one where I indulge my passion for technical books and fill my desk with Ajax, Model-View-Controller Patterns, LINQ and C#/F# tomes all held up by a strong lime green man bookend, which doesn’t impress people at all that I am a learned man. What does impress people is my new 30 inch Mac Monitor though cos it is just gorgeous – finally I can see my photos at a grand scale and spot all the defects and where I have been going wrong for all these years (purchase a gitzo tripod with a really right stuff ballhead immediately young man). My working world is now a blur of Microsoft research tools and beta versions running on Apple equipment – the best of all possible worlds? Microsoft have finally bought up all the bright people in the world that don’t work at Google and some great work is coming out – finally the world of computer science is coming into its own with fast hardware capable of doing interesting things. My Mac Pro has 8 cores with 18G RAM and 2 x 300G fast disks running several VMWare virtual machines to slow it down. This machine is faster than I am, which is probably just as well.

Another new toy is my GPS attachment to my camera which now automatically maps photos I take to a Flickr map. This will be great for aerial photography with our first test flight over East Lothian showing up camera shake and general crapness (turn the autofocus off for godsake) when wobbling around in turbulence. The new plane was great though (Mainair GT450) handling the winds well and accomodating my zoom lens in the back.
GPS is ruling our lives with a new one attached to the plane, one in my Meade MySky controlling my telescope, Mariella in the car and one on my camera – and the weather has been so poor we haven’t even gone geocaching this year… although some people have visited our Geocache at Lempitlaw, lazily driving down to it.

Stuart went Spainward on a Geology field trip in the north (although he didn’t get to do the Caminito Del Rey in the south, which looks awesome although my imbalance would probably see me plunging, screaming… He returned via Terminal 5 stuck for four hours but managed to force their way into the BA Executive Lounge to sit sipping cocktails under the horse lamps.

Alasdair had a near death experience closer to home on his motorbike when travelling to Galashiels a car overtook him, lost control hitting a corner turned over a few time and bounced back towards him. He missed the car by inches but stopped and almost got run over by one of his teachers who romped onto school, whilst Ali went to see if anyone was injured.

New googles can only mean that Mike is going to do the crawl again – avoid Kelso Swimming Pool at all cost as the masked avenger gasps for breath and forgets his stroke hitting the lane markers and takes in a mouthful of chlorinated water instead of air.

Still armed with a superb cold reading book and GPS driven camera I am off to a ghostly ‘Fright night’ with poledancing Sally and her sister in law to sit huddling in the dark whilst Derek Acorah (mystic or mad you choose) speaks to the dead Fraudulent Medium Act and fears the dark shadow of the trading standards wraithes.

Now on twitter I am destined to get no work done at all – if you are of a like mind click on the twitter link above. There are ten times more access to twitter through an API interface rather than people typing things so it is destined to be as big as rickrolling.

Comes Like A Lion

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March is famous for coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb. In this case the lamb went out and died after been injured in a stampede for the food trough and froze in the great freeze and had its eyes pecked out by crows before the ‘Bring Out Your Dead’ chap collected her. And then there were seven.

As for lions coming in – Radio Scotland Greetings Programme on a Sunday morning has the superb knack of putting on great music to have sex by – I don’t know if this is a deliberate ploy to increase the declining Scottish population. The Observer proclaimed that scientists were working on artificial sperm (what? is there not enough real sperm in the world?) so I am sure The Greetings programme can have a rolling advert for the new product inbetween musical interludes. Knowing that you are all waiting to hear this week’s sex tune – it was Bongo Bong by Manu Chao and I love the way it dances into Je Ne T’Aime Plus on the album.

One of our swimming chums, whose dead father used to sit on her feet when she was in bed until she told him to go away, has been on Past Life Regression therapy. Apparently she used to be a miner who was blown up and a young girl who drowned in a pond whilst stretching for her teddy. I am spending a night in the haunted Jedburgh Jail with her and her sister-in-law as part of a charity “Fright Night’ with the famous Indian medium Derek Pakorah.

The family told me that either the cough goes or I do – so I trailed down to the doctor and was promptly packed off for an x-ray. The BGH is a new efficient hospital and I was efficiently shoved into a cubicle and told to undress (top half only) and to lock the door to protect myself and possessions from the seething masses in the waiting room which I dutifully did. She returned to catch me posing in the full length mirror and I was bundled into a yoga position in front of the machine as the assistant dashes out of the way, presses a button and then says ‘go back to your cubicle your results will be sent to the doctor’. I returned opened the door and on realising that the half naked woman wasn’t my reflection in the full length mirror, apologised and went into the other cubicle door.

March winds doth blow so Kim decides to do an inaugural flight in our new plane in a 20 knot gusting 24 knots wind. The plane performed well, deemed the fastest plane in the club by our instructor, although it was certainly the muddiest after landing on the mud (nee grass) strip on runway 26.

Brandishing our new eight core server to run our website applications we went to install it in our data centre in Edinburgh. This entailed Alasdair and I driving up, filling our ears with the multicoloured earplugs, plugging it in then return via a Steading supper homeward at a rapid pace with an unbalanced tyre (and according to Alasdair an unbalanced driver too). At one point Alasdair leant over and said ‘I want you to know you have been a good Dad, the best Dad, and I want you to know that now so that when we are pulled from the car wreckage your last memory of me isn’t me screaming ‘You Fecking Idiot I told you not to take the corner too fast with an unbalanced tyre’.

Sadly we missed the Moscow ballet performing Swan Lake in the tiny Tait Hall in Kelso and due to coughing I decided not to be mistaken as part of the John Cage performance at the Baltic. Kim had already been to see a play about a cross dressing doctor, Alasdiar went to see ‘The Boyfriend’ as operetta and Stuart is off to the theatre to see The Thirty Nine Steps so I am going to have to push the culture button and step away from the Wii.

Kim’s new imac arrived and an impressive looking machine it is too – running Windows in virtualisation she can know browse around in about 8 different browsers across 4 screens all at lightning speed on the Extreme processor. Setting up took a while not due to any complication but due to the setup requiring you to pose in front of the built in camera for your login photo – that took half an hour at least.

Purification of Mike

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January is a time of skidding from the Christmas festivities through an alcoholic haze of birthdays and so to celebrate the ritual of purification that February is named after it is time to enter Lent. This year Lent starts on February 6th and ends March 23rd. The Christians have weekends off but being stronger than them I am having the whole period off apart from my anniversary on the 7th. No alcohol, sweets or choccies and yes I don’t lose any weight thus proving that all three are not calorific in the least (counter to my risk assessment nurse who concluded I had a death wish when I told her my hobbies and she suggested I cut down on alcohol as it had lots of fat in it!).

To balance religious fervour I shall be doing Ramadan this year (all of September) so no food, drink or sex from sunrise to sunset (in preparation I am already following the ‘how to sleep 6 hours a day or less’ websites).

The bruises have almost healed up after the wedding anniversary. I am not revealing what caused the bruising but it was a splendid day – starting with stroking our new GT450 plane, followed by a delicious vegetarian lunch at David Bann’s in Edinburgh followed by the Aerial Assault at Ratho.

We turned up to the Aerial Assault to find a queue but it turned out these were the staff who then removed all of our valuables, tied my spectacles on and bolted us onto a harness then encouraged us to take that first step into empty space 100 feet above the floor populated with bouldering climbers. Kim went first and when safely scrambling up to the start after the zip slide, and ominous swinging when stuck in the middle, I zipped along too, masquerading as Momentum Man. The girl who was leading Kim onto the Assault said ‘Gosh he is coming fast’ to which Kim replied – ‘that is later tonight it is our anniversary…’. Following Kim on the zip, stuck in the middle and swinging around before clambering up the wooden steps to the start. I thought it would be fairly straightforward as it looked like it was not exposed at all as I made my way along floorboards in the sky clinging to the chains, filled with vegetarian fare and expecting a wee boring toddle.

That was when I saw Kim clutching onto a swaying log 100 feet off the floor. Sweating buckets (remember those bouldering climbers below) and stretching to make the next handhold. The first step was to a vertical log with handles on it. Although harnessed you sort of forget about the harness as it is there to catch you so you really are making a step in empty space to stretch to that first handhold. Our anniversary waltz was across swinging logs and clutching chains, sweating profusely whilst clambering over nets and clinging to vertical nets before zipping back. That was exhausting said Kim as she was deharnessing – I replied ‘Wait till tonight’ which grossed out most of the staff. With a short romantic look at tents in the shop and wondering why the ‘Buggy Sign’ wasn’t working we retired to the most romantic hotel in Europe.

I had searched for ‘the most romantic spot in Europe’ and unbelievably but conveniently this was in Edinburgh. The Library Suite in the Witchery is a splendid spot with a deep bath for two in a secret book lined bathroom, chilled champagne and delicious chocolates. It is advertised as Danni Minogue’s Den of Lust and a splendid place it is too. The guestbook had a great entry about a former student who had this as his student flat (slightly less decoration and a lot lower fuel bill) and one with two homosexuals on their honeymoon who had consummated their bonding in the bath. It came with a February discount – yes romance and counting the pennies do not need to be divorced – which we more than spent on a delicious dinner in the Secret Garden restaurant. Kim was now full of alcohol and after a bracing walk on the castle esplanade collapsed on the bed snoring. Breakfast was a treat with a hamper in the room at our breakfast table allowing us to count our bruises over porridge, hot croissants and orange juice.

Still studying pensions we finally decided to invest in dying Americans. The scheme is simple – in America life insurance is for life and when they find out that life is slipping away they want to enjoy the fleeting hours by cashing in – the scheme purchases such policies and cashes them in on death nicely turning around a profit paying into our pensions. It was the ghoulish aspect that attracted me and if it all works out we shall be enjoying life to the full again as well as exploring the Southern Hemisphere (albeit still roughing it).

We went to see the Kite Runner with our separated friend and when the scene where the Taliban start stoning an adulterous woman, I leant over and suggested she should be grateful her husband is a christian (possibly the only time to be grateful for that). Splendid book, splendid film, splendid landscapes (albeit filmed in China).

We finally sold our old plane (Mainair Blade in perfect condition after having being rebuilt as new after my ‘incidents’) and after months of interest from Nigerian scammers we finally had a race between Geordies with a plane still to sell and a Selkirk chap who had been let down on his sale. The Selkirk chap won by flashing his cheque and we disappeared sharpish to John Lewis to look at expensive horse hair filled mattresses and Siberian Goose Feather duvets.

We parked in an NCP Carpark and on return Kim took the ticket which she paid for, she couldn’t get a receipt from the machine, and on bundling us all into the car, stuck the ticket in the gap above the radio. It promptly slipped down into the innards of the car. We were now at the exit barrier and she pressed the Press for Assistance button. We then got an Indian call centre operative who going through the ticklist (got receipt?, no your machine didn’t give me one; how much you pay? too much) said that they would send someone down (what from India?).

After a decent interval of blocking the only exit Kim parked and I pressed the Press for Assistance button as we had shopping to do and we couldn’t wait for the Indian to get a flight. So now I get a non-Indian albeit I am guessing a non-Caucasian London chap who asks the same ticklist but then opens the barrier (except Kim can’t drive through it as she has parked) and closes it twice. So I get back in the car she drives to the exit and she presses the Press for Assistance button. The same non-Indian non-Caucasian chap now thinks this is someone else wanting to escape from the same car park. Kim says that was her husband before but there is no pulling the wool over NCP employees. He demands to speak to the fine gentleman he spoke to before – the aforesaid fine gentleman is now hollering from the passenger seat through Kim and to the tiny microphone – the guy gives up and the barrier lifts and Kim takes her chance before the barrier closes. On the next car park Kim drives in through the outdoor before realising that the ticket machine is on the other side of the barrier.

Helping Alasdair with his physics revision and reducing my effort in this I came across the wizard wheeze of getting him to lecture me each evening on a physics topic. This has worked out reasonably well and I can almost sit the Higher myself now and am watching documentaries on the Eels lead singer investigating the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics which his father proposed. There is even a Purification of quantum state suitable for February. For English we are all enjoying the poems of Carol Ann Duffy so I am hoping we do well in English too.

February is a leap year this year and our kids ex-nanny decided to take advantage of this and proposed to her love whilst he was washing his hair in the bath, unable to run away with shampoo in his eyes although I am sure her holding the 2kw electric fire above the bath clinched the deal.

The lunar eclipse saw me wandering around at 3am in my dressing gown trying to work out where the moon had disappeared to (above many layers of cloud). I have now invested in a Mesade MySky which tells me where things are even when there are clouds so at least I can tell that the red light is the eclipse and not the lights of Kelso.

We had the wizard wheeze of letting the sheep eat our grass at home. The grass is certainly greener than their overgrazed field – but they must be going through purification too and turned their noses up and marched back to their field bleating about starvation. There is no pleasing some sheep.

0.333 recurring

0

Mike hits 50 – yes one third of my life over already and looking forward to my midlife crisis when I am 75. Medical science and Mike have kept step with each other and no-one is surprised more than my doctors as to age so far. They keep sending me risk assessment appointments, as if the anthrax drum incident, russian mafia thug attack, car, plane and train crashes were not enough to show that risk aversion and Mike tread separate paths through this life.

To celebrate and to snatch my last hours of my pilots licence before it expires I flew to Dundee Airport. Graeme and Kim on one plane and Mike and his petrol tank in another with an aide-memoire of RT speak written on the bar mitts I flew over the Forth at a somewhat chilly altitude of 6,000 feet before encountering Leuchars air traffic control. Requesting ‘MATZ Penetration’ as if asking a two dollar hooker if she did happy hours, I flew over the new runways to descend (strangely you don’t get to ask for MATZ Withdrawl but are passed unceremonously onto Dundee Approach as if your performance didn’t warrant a shared cigarette).

Dundee Airport on a Sunday was only missing the tumbleweed rolling over the runway. However naturally I was the one that had to hold over the Tay Road Bridge as a jet approaches over the city and lands showering onlookers with aviation fuel fumes as it roars into reverse thrusts. I had a less impressive entrance (stop tittering at the back) and in the strong wind floated over the Tay Rail Bridge and fields of footballers and touched down smoothly. Backtracked to where Kim and Graeme tied me down with a concrete block and we made our exit through the flying club and into the silent empty terminal. Silent and empty except for security who insisted that we go through a security check – that was when I realised that I had a large yachting knife (to cut me free from wreckage) which would have alerted even the sleepiest security officer. Fortunately they only wanted one person to go through to pay the landing fees and they perhaps didn’t fancy body searching myself so Graeme volunteered for the body search when his life jacket buckles set off the metal detector.

Lunched at the Richard Murphy Contemporary Arts Centre (splendid building and lunch) then flew back in a gale to join the circuit facing in the wrong direction and landed safely if somewhat abruptly at East Fortune. The Club had the candles on and I blew out the five candles 10 times to give everyone a piece of saliva on the well named Chocolatey cake (more chocolate than cake at Thorntons)

Birthday dinner at the stylish Dakota near the Forth Road Bridge started with drinks – the waiter came with a pint of stout and a champage cocktail and looked confused when we said that it was Kim that was drinking the stout and Mike the cocktail as he put them down at the wrong person. Chilled Oysters and Steak Tartare washed down with various overpriced wines and Kim retired to test the toilets.
The snooty waitress sidled up and asked if my wife would like a dessert. I replied ‘two things’, one I cannot speak for the lady so please wait for her return, and secondly she is not my wife, but my new mistress. She was less snooty after that and gave Kim what she can only describe as pitying looks. My toilet was a bit more adventurous as I was still wearing my thermal underwear so had to stand at the urinal with my trousers around my knees unpeeling the layers…

Now I am of pensionable age (yes really) I managed to prise some information from Equitable Life as to my options and what a remarkably complex tale it is too. One imagines that pensions are a good tax avoiding scheme until you come to actually enjoy the fruits of the avoidance.
Twenty Five percent max is returned as tax free stash to be frittered away in an attempt to reduce the remaining period of living when they pay you some pittance from a annuity based on more people will die leaving money for the survivors like some grim lottery. One suggestion was to emigrate to Australia where pensions are taxed differently and given I am typing this in a blizzard that option is tempting. Annuities are also based on location longevity (I must rent a place in downtown Glasgow) and general health issues (obesity and smoking are suddenly things to have and do) as it is all down to the probability of death. Have these people not seen my driving and travelling stories?

Talking of mid life crisis obviously the motorbike is in the garage and the CBT training websites being pored over. Watch this space.

It turns out that most of Lempitlaw were born in January so the annual birthday bash is growing in number with a consolidated dinner.
There was no burns supper this year at the Curling Club but we went along to come 4th bottom in the pub quiz where my insistence that my answers were correct remained constant whereas my accuracy diminished with each pint of Worthington’s Pale Ale. I almost got the ‘which is the largest inhabited castle in Scotland?’ question wrong which would have been a mite embarrassing since it is the local Floors Castle.
Lempitlaw itself is being remodelled with new passing places ironically causing delays as the lorries building them block the roads, and the steading being turned into housing for families who want to move to the country yet have no gardens.

I reread the Neil Gaiman Sandman series of graphic novels which tend to spawn off interests in other things and for some reason I am embroiled in the Elizabethan era (segueing into Henry the Eight too with the fascinating disease ‘English Sweate’ and his wives) with books and movies on magicians and spymasters and the great Queen herself. Fascinating period.

My new variofocal glasses were picked up from Berwick allowing lunch and a visit to the talking toilet. For 20p for 15 minutes maximum (emergency button in case of constipation) you enter a tardis and get soothingly talked to whilst on the steel loo and find out with all this technology it has still run out of toilet paper.

Road Trip

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The call came to ‘rescue’ my mother from her ‘irritating’ grandchildren (what, all of them?) and in particular England (what, all of it?) whom she had grown tired of in spite of spending years telling us how wonderful it was, whilst not reading Samuel Johnson. This was not a Christmas request it was a demand. Not being one to simply drive somewhere and back, Stuart was enrolled as co-driver and Mariella our Satellite navigator. Stuart naturally also added to the itinerary by suggesting France to get some wine. Channel Tunnel – no problems with 53 trains a day. We were set.

4:30am and 3 alarms went off (Ali’s phone with Ali, my iphone and Kim’s hypnosis/relaxation CD). So the entire house was now awake apart from Stuart who was supposed to be going with me. Roused with an operatic awakening he struggled to the car and double checking we went through Change of Underwear – check, sat nav – check, passport – oops Stuart had left it somewhere we couldn’t get it at 5am – France was off the itinerary.

First stop was urinating off Flamborough Head. Quick drive down past 4 wind turbines surrounded with massive oil and gas processing plants with security protected fences and warnings. Mariella asked me to turn right which I did straight in front of another car which beeped for quite a while as we tore off down the road – ah it wasn’t a mini roundabout after all… towards Spurn Point or Spurn Head in the Middle of the Humber estuary. Twitchers giving us dirty looks as we careered along a single track broken and sand track to reach the spit in the Humber. Stuart decided to take over the driving after a couple of dodgy skids and the suspension complaining about the speed we hit the sleeping policemen (speed bumps for the younger readers). That meant that he had to drive over the Humber Bridge in high winds which must have taken a bit of concentration as he shut up all the way over apart form midway where nervously he said ‘it is only our forward momentum that is keeping us on this bridge’.

Next stop was Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem in Nottingham (city motto – it is 8 times safer to park in an NCP car park than on our streets) the oldest tourist trap (nee pub) in England under Nottingham Castle. It was where the crusaders stopped on their way to raping and pillaging and I can see why crusades took so long as there was a 55 minute wait for lunch. Olde Trip ale slipped down my throat and Stuart got us through some dodgy looking Nottingham folk (possibly sired from Robin Hood and his gang of thugs) to drive us straight onto a massive 20 mile tailback on the M1.

We decided by now that the Margate Shell Grotto and Dover and Brighton was out of the itinerary and it was straight to Staines via High Wycombe and Heathrow and a busy M25. I directed Stuart straight to the Crooked Billet roundabout which is a superb puzzle of multiple roundabouts and roads controlled by traffic light filters merging with about 5 major roads. Mariella kept wanting us to go where it was impossible to and we followed other cars who were probably controlled by the same sat nav software through a maze of Staines suburbia to make another attempt on the Crooked Billet. This time almost correct and ended up outside Debbie and Simon’s to a warm welcome from the ‘irritants’ who whisked Stuart off to play with all their Xmas games leaving me with the drinks cabinet and the puzzle of how to fit mum and her plasma telly and stand and all of her clothes into the back of the car. It was just as well we hadn’t gone to France to stock up on booze.

It was either the telly or mum – mum won and the telly got sent by courier. Simon had just finished telling us proudly about his ex-SAS chum assigned to protecting Benazir Bhutto from assassination when the news got turned on announcing her assassination. The ‘irritants’ were as lovely as ever, for small children and Fenella recalled perfectly my recipe for turning small girls into webcubs – ‘my uncle is a werewolf’ is a reasonable epitaph.

We stocked the car with as much as would fit in and dashed off escaping Staines in a car with no number plate (dirt had made it entirely invisible so even the warning sign at Oxford services threatening that all reg numbers are captured on CCTV didn’t concern us) and arriving at Oxford for a wander through the wonderful streets to the Radcliffe Camera. Mum, Stuart and I squeezed up a spiral staircase in a medieval tower to see the dreaming spires in a high wind and to check out mum’s cardiovascular system before racing off to Cheshire along the m5 toll road (where the road signs read ‘toll prices changing soon’) and to the Salt Museum at Nantwich (it was actually at Northwich though thanks to a misreading of the Far from the Sodding Crowd entry). We unwisely introduced granny to the Yellow Car game – where you hit the driver or passenger when a yellow car is spotted driving in the opposite direction – people who buy yellow cars must be going through their life thinking that Britain is full of people in cars hitting each other. Mum hit me even when there were no yellow cars but it is nice to get your years of aggression worked out through violence, so it was the least I could do to bruise easily and wince

Torrential rain cleaned our number plate so we kept to speed limits all the way to Tebay for chocolate and coffees before sailing back to the Borders.

We entertained mum with visits to neighbours, feeding livestock (and barrowing the deadstock – in this case a lamb) and for New Year we had a murder mystery (I was Major Windbag and we even had split personalities with 2 people playing some characters which was confusing once drink started to flow). The New Year started by being thrillingly snowed in.

Mum threatened with hard work and a snow shovel decided it was time to go so it was a frantic attempt to find accommodation around Arbroath (some didn’t answer, some did but sounded neanderathal (do you work on reception? yarr … well perhaps you shouldn’t), and some had mobile phones that went to a woman who had bought the hotels mobile phone. We drove north via the Anstruther fish bar, with the sea was coming over the wall and there was a cold wind so we walked back filled with haddock and chips munching some nice ice cream. We delivered her to a hotel run by Indians in Broughty Ferry, unoriginally called ‘The Hotel’, with the bed headboard being a leopard skin and her bed chair covered with some hairy skin. We escaped via St Andrews to launch ourselves upon our chums the Bunnies and demolish their champagne, play Wii (I still don’t have one myself) and wander around the surprisingly empty Saturday night streets.

Weather in January has deteriorated to the point that we have hurricane winds and the threat of a Sting Jet. Our tables ended up in the pond and recycling cycled around the garden.

Our new plane is all built and ready and our old plane is up for sale.

Festive Frolics

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Tis the season to be jolly, unless you are a sheep or the recipient of my annual newsletter.

November the 10th is the traditional slaughter time, but we typically skidded past that. Foot and mouth licences were not required now but we needed to tag the sheep. That exercise consisted of first getting the sheep in the front field with Steph on a horse scaring them, an electric fence to discourage them and the rest of us chasing them through the gate. Second stage was chasing the sheep around a log pile with Kim hiding and leaping out and grabbing one or two of them at a time. Mike would then run around with a tag gun and ear tag them. The sheep got wise to this and butted Kim from behind and kicked her in the groin for good measure. We finally had them all tagged and separated them out ready for collection in a horse box.

We all carried half a dozen individually into the horse box early in the morning and then Kim and I drove over to Galashiels – the abbatoir is the perfect set for an Eastern European horror film, unsignposted (other than a sign saying Keep Out). We closed off one gate and Mike entered the horse box which shoogled around with bumping and running around before emerging with a struggling horned devil and passed it to a bemused slaughter man. This ritual continued until two got out at the same time and one made a bid for escape, fortunately stymied by another slaughterman passing. We waved goodbye and Kim bizarrely said ‘Do look after them’. It turned out that 2 were condemned (i.e. lost) and we got four of them back in a tesco size shopping crate from the butcher at Freelands Foods who did a splendid job in presenting them all labelled and looking very tasty indeed.

Ali’s school parents night at the Galashiels Academy was a well organised affair and we met with his enthusiastic teachers (most of whom seemed to be leaving since Ali joined). He had a Miss English for maths and a Spanish English teacher with a most gorgeous accent. Kim met an old friend and we headed off to see the Golden Compass (Northern Lights without catholics) and munch revels during the armed polar bear attacks. Dinner at the Indian opposite turned out to be filled with Galashiels Academy teachers celebrating another parents night over with few fatalities. Ali was passed a note with various Maths equations and his maths teacher shouted over ‘Alasdair you have 5 minutes to get them correct’, which cheered him up no end.

The Microlight Christmas Dinner was a jolly affair and I did not end up on the roll of dishonour since he had not flown enough to have too many incidents or crashes. However, sadly, Ian Trench was announced as having lost his battle with bone cancer and there was a toast to a good flying companion. His memory remains every time we look at the club webcam as he organised the cameras. His funeral was a sad affair but fitting for a pilot had a flying swan stained glass motif above the coffin. I spent a couple of chilly and hazy hour long flights around East Lothian to add up Mike’s minimum hours and arranged our new plane G-CWEB a Mainair GT450 allowing us to travel long distances in comfort (over the channel sounds exciting for starters).

Scott’s Selkirk is a jolly annual treat with a market and mulled wine and the majority of Selkirk dressed in victorian outfits and Mike escapes to the fabulous book store and into the fabulous deli/cafe where people dressed as french prisoners made us all sing ‘La Marseillaise’. We were so impressed with the County Hotel bar and lunch that we chose it for the Calligrafix Christmas luncheon (lucky them) where we were mostly well behaved and ended up at Squirrels to swallow the 3 for the price of 2 carry outs before heading back home armed with fish suppers.

Iphone hits Britain and, deftly ignoring Stuart’s abuse and misplaced ridicule, Mike purchases one. And what a splendid machine it is too – cracked of course and with additional programs such as Internet Radio, Video and running a web server and some software to crack WEP passwords I just need to have it working on my vodafone contract since O2 seem to have forgotten the Borders for service. It is not without its problems (Windows x64 and itunes are not friends at all but I can now watch the Queens Christmas message (on youtube) whilst at the Christmas table. I also keep a log of quality of orgasms with the lunar cycles to see if there is a correlation.

Rowing has turned into a manic drive to do 100 kilometres before Christmas Eve and the final days saw 8 kilometres per day (1 in the morning, 2 at lunch and 5 in the evening) being standard. Lots of sweat is also standard. And the reward? I get to print out my own certificate and heat transfer design – woo yay!

Christmas shopping in Carlisle consisted of me getting my eyes tested and photographed (no glacuoma and diabetes today) and horribly expensive Vision Express rimless varifocals ordered. Kim was constantly called and forced to march to chose frames, the rechoose them because the lens wouldn’t fit the first ones. I also saw a couple arguing in the street ‘where the f*ck were you last night’,'i left the pub early’,'lying bitch’… before making my way around a very confusing, but spectacular museum and art galleries (paintings of a himalayan mountain from all sides and a mermaid called Helen were high points). Carlisle christmas lights were lovely and there were singing santas, accordian playing santas and carol singers in santa outfits (in case we forgot about the real message of Christmas) and four lingerie shops with Anne Summers appearing as number 69 on the town plan. The Marks and Spencer shop there has a plaque noting that Bonnie Prince Charlie was there – first Twiggy and now the hero of shortbread tins is claimed by the company. A pub was selling ‘Orgasms’ – baileys and Ameretto, but I had already added an orgasm to my log and this was unlikely to be as good really.

Sheila up the road decided to go missing. Kate called saying that she was worried as Sheilas lights were not on, so Kim and her crept up with a spare key, crept up with a torch to her bedroom and prodded the pile of clothes (which fortunately was not sheila), then proceeded to sweep the place (still in torchlight) before realising that they could turn the lights on. Next possibility was that Sheila had collapsed in the garden so a torchlight sweep was performed there before Kim returned to announce ‘Sheila has vanished’. I obviously suspected aliens immediately, but then suggested that they could try her mobile again – again – they hadn’t done it the first time. Kim called, Sheila answered – ‘I am in the Royal Infirmary’. The story leaked out about kidney tests, please feed the cat and keep a place at the Christmas table for me. We are still unsure how many people are going to be dining at our Christmas table – some children may, some children may not, mothers may or may not, neighbours may or may not. We might have to get an inflatable turkey this year.

We even had one copy of our rush to press Christmas Newsletter returned as offensive (normally people just shred it or throw it on the fire). ‘Never mind the quality feel the width’ felt that the entry on sheep had more lines than the one on Kim’s father – not realising that Kim’s father entry had been heavily edited down as it would have been much more offensive if it had been sent in my original version. I would like to point out that it was only one father and it was 6 sheep. We were also accused to airing Ali’s problems (I seem to remember they were more our problems than Ali’s who was having a jolly fine and fully financed time) to all and sundry. Since there is a selected subset of ‘all’ who receive the annual newsletter they must consider themselves sundry (I will add a link to an online version for ‘all’ as I had forgotten about them).

Wildlife have been a focus recently – Ali called to say that he had watched a piece of grass move and then up popped a mole looked around and then headed back down after seeing Ali. We have a house robin. It flew in and we all spent ages trying to let it out. It was then waiting on the wall for the next time the door opened – and it does this each time – sitting on the wheelbarrow of logs and diving in when we let the dog out – flies around, poohs on my computer screen and then after deftly missing the electric fly killer flies outside (or upstairs to annoy the cat).
Flying sheep were also seen as Flora got the new ram with her horns and threw him out of her food area.

And so to Christmas Day – lots of great presents, especially the ones labelled “To the Family from Mike’. They are thrilled to play with the sextant and Kim is especially pleased with the ‘How to Fly a Plane’ book. Alasdair managed to deliver gentlemen tailoring to me with shirt, tie, socks and a jumper and Stuart gave me one of my own books from amazon which he intercepted in the post (three stars for working to a budget there).

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What is Mike doing?

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