Ali called ‘ I need to visit the Falkirk Wheel for my course’. In that sentence came the germ of an idea to paddle up the union canal and emerge on the wheel to meet him. Well so much for theory. I then found the Skippers Guide to the Union Canal on the internet and it made grim reading – lots of not allowed and an entire chapter on dangers. The Union Canal is a contour canal following the 240 foot contour and the length from Linlithgow to Falkirk Wheel only has locks at the end as well as the wheel. It was dug by the navigators (navvies) including Burke and Hare, the well known Irish serial killers who sold the corpses to Edinburgh’s medical schools as ‘bodysnatched’.
It still seemed a great idea so we strapped the kayak on the top of the car, learnt a new ‘lorry driver’ knot to tension the kayak on the car and headed off to find somewhere to launch it. That was easier said than done – I wanted to go over the Avon Aquaduct (second longest in the UK) because I had been over the others on the canal (walking and barge), so trying the bridges to the east of the Avon proved tricky – hedges, mud, cattle – until we reached the Linlithgow Canal Centre – and there was a ramp into the water – sorted.
Dry suit on, PFD on, boots on, hat on, paddle assembled, kayak on ramp half in water, waterproof torch stuffed down PFD, Mike in, Kim pushing him down the ramp, kayak not moving, Kim collapsed corpsing as Mike is doing his rampant rabbit movement to shuffle the kayak down until some kind narrow boat person helping to push and launched into the canal as an out of control narrow boat bears down. Rudder deployed and compass confirming which way to go and I was off, with no current to help or hinder it was paddling all the way.
Autumn is a wonderful time – the colours of the trees and the mix of different colours is stunning and here we have this in duplicate as everything is reflected perfectly in the still canal water. This combined with bridges appearing as gateways – circles through which I would paddle through the centre like going through a Stargate or Orfee’s mirror. Delightful. And the canal was empty so far – some ducks which I could creep up on and at the last moment they would all take off.
A vista opened up and it was the Grangemough Oil Refinery which looked startingly beautiful from a distance. Polmont prison emerged with high metal fences and barbed wire and CCTV cameras. I was not going to accept hitchhkers. The bridges made great gateways and interest points – especially the laughin/greetin bridge with its faces (unsurprisingly laughing and greeting)
Litter – there were cans of tennents lager (probably empty), bobbing coke bottles, leaves, branches to jam my rudder, ducks and swans.
Yes swans – I had read about swans attacking paddlers on the Union Canal and here I rounded the corner and there were two of them straddling the middle of the canal like watchmen, paddling down the canal, and watching from side to side. I stopped paddling 20 yards from them and waited – without looking around they moved to one side and turned to look at me – I paddled slowly past and said ‘Thank You’, they nodded and went on patrolling.
There was a phalanx of walkers, individuals with dogs, fishermen, narrow boat people waving glasses of beer, cyclists, kayakers, canoeists and all were autumnly cheery and all waving. I thought I had the canal protocol – paddle on the right heading westward – eastward they are on the left – when a narrow boat emerged heading straight for me – I was reaching for my fog horm when she gesticulated widly that I was to go to her starboard side. I paddled there and she apologetically explained that the canal was too shallow for her at that side – we waved cheerily as we passed each other wish each other a fine afternoon.
The Falkirk Tunnel is a single lane 650 yard tunnel hewn from rock because the owners of Callender House couldn’t bear to see a canal from his house. It is lit and you can see the end and it has a Red Light and Green Light – the protocol is obvious – red light means don’t go* , green light means go. So what does Red Light and Green light flashing mean? I thought this would be easy. I looked behind there was no narrow boats to mow me down. I looked ahead and the tunnel was clear and the entrance didn’t have a narrow boat in it. It was decision time – I went.
[ Note well reading the Skipper guide properly I see that Red Light actually means it is clear to go! and you are supposed to wait for a steady green once you have passed a sensor (kayaks are obviously too low for the sensor) and blinking red light means there is a narrow boat coming to crush you kayakers - it still doesn't explain what flashing red and flashing green means however.... ]
Singing ‘Onward Christian Solider’s for solid rhythm, an unusual choice for an athiest, echoing through the tunnel as I did rapid deep strokes – I wanted to be at the end of the tunnel as soon as possible and was shifting fast looking at the end of the tunnel with fear fuelling the paddling. My torch strapped to the lines on the kayak started to make shadows on the wall and for a second I thoguht it was a narrow boat behind me – that caused a bit more rapid paddling and those Christian soliders had broken into a sprint… the tunnel roof was dripping water and was rough rock – it had a beauty along with the solid line I was paddling. The end of the tunnel arrived with a waterfall falling on my head as I left it.
I was relieved to emerge unscathed and not run down when the wind hit me – low paddling up the canal to the lock with the canal water less still. A narrow boat emerged and I made to go in – No Way – this is the end of the line – I talked portage but got a firm No this is the end of the line there is no way forward. I clambered out without falling in the canal which was a first for me. The lockkeeper and his colleague were friendly and helpful but this was it – they told me how Kim could pick me up there from the Falkirk Wheel. He even unzipped my dry suit so I could recover my phone, much to the amusement of his chum.
In the meantime Kim had taken Ali and his friends around the Falkirk Wheel (cafe, shop and very little else – crying out for some educational centre on engineering and physics) and Callender House (which allowed you to build a model of Antonoine’s wall). And the coffee table – the boys wanted a coffee table for their new luxury pad in Dundee – the one they wanted was presented by the straight faced salesman as a 6 inch box to go – he said that it included a glass blowing kit and everything else was inside. They believed him and he revealed it was a jest but they were stunned when the actual table arrived in a large box to fit in their small car (it fitted!)
Kim picked me up, although she was on the wrong canal at one point (the Forth and Clyde Canal) wondering where I was, then using sat nav drove to near the lock to see her bright yellow husband trailing a bright red kayak behind him on the canal path. We strapped the kayak on the roof and returned homeward via the Carfraemill where I could read the Guardian (Bad Science and Eoin Colfer explaining why he is doing a new Hitchhiker book) over a nice rare fillet steak. What a fabulous day.
