Twas doon by the inch o’ Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim b@stard
Wiz doin what he’d planned
And intae Glesca’s departure hall
A Cherokee he’d rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht a wumman driver?
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda’s band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that’s no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort’s nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***
–
Some nice Muslim boys were planning a big picnic for their chums on the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond, went down to the hardware store and packed their 4×4 with enough propane and fuel and humous for their journey up the east coast of the Loch to watch the West Highland Way ramblers struggle in the rain. Their new sat nav was installed as they weren’t too sure where they were heading in this wilderness and off they set from Glasgow Green. Mohammad at the wheel was a wee bit nervous, he had only just passed his test and had borrowed daddy’s car but he was really intimated as the posh English voice barked at him from the wee machine on the dashboard. Right, left, merge at next exit – he was all in a whirl. It didn’t look very loch like but Achmed, his buddy, was busy trying to place where they were on his AA map book and was on the Birkenhead page and knew that that was wrong. The first thing Achmed knew was when the AA book, on the Lake district page now, flew forward when they crashed through the doors of Glasgow Airport with the lady barking reverse, then forward, reverse, then forward like some demented harpie and Mohammad obeying her to the letter. The AA book dissolved into flames, along with the box of houmous and as the boys were trying to get out they found themselves being attacked by a policeman, wrestled to the ground and nutted by some chap in a high visibility vest who didn’t appear to speak English at all. The lady was shouting now ‘ALA ALA ALA ALA’ as her speaker warped in the heat. Mohammad awoke in hospital, sore all over and was being spoonfed what he thought was dry porridge. The nurse explained it was haggis and neeps. After the 4th day of being spoon fed he asked if he could have some weetabix but was refused so he asked the matron why he could only get haggis and neeps. She said he had to have that because it was the Burns ward.
–
O John of Smeaton
When will we see your like again
That fought and panned in
two al qaeda men
And stood against him
Osama’s army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
The airport’s bare now
And cherokee’s lie burnt and still
O’er land that is saved now
Which brave sir smeato held
And stood against him
Osama’s army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
Those days are passed now
And in the past they must remain
But we can still rise now
And be the nation again
That stood against him
Osama’s army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again
–
Welcome To Glasgow; We kick the F*** oot o terrorists — maryhill graffiti
John Smeaton (Baggage Handler) Quotes
“What’s the score? I’ve got to get this sorted -
He was throwing punches like a prize fighter. So I ran to help the police and I took a flying kick at him – this is Glasgow, we’ll set about you.”
“The man then egressed the vehicle”
“You’re nae hitting the Polis mate, there’s nae chance.”
“Glasgow doesn’t accept this. That’s just Glasgow; we’ll set about ye.”
“If any more extremists are still wanting to rise up and start trouble, know this: We’ll rise right back up against you. New York, Madrid, London, Paisley – we’re all in this together and make no mistake, none of us will hold back from putting the boot in.”
“Nobody gets between 10,000 Weegies and a £99 week in Ibiza booked on Thursday night through Barrhead Travel”
“I was havin’ a fag, I heard a commotion…”
