Woo Yay September is here, time when my Folio Books subscription is due and I buy second hand versions off abebooks and use the money I save to buy bottles of award winning English sparkling Nyetimber Classic Cuvee 1998.
Reading Michel De Montaigne’s essays which include delights such as Cannabilism, On Smells (A woman smells nice when she smells of nothing) and On Thumbs. Listening to the music of Hildegard von Bingen who wrote lots about masturbation in the 12th century. Watching The Fountainhead file under So Bad Its Good.
And the weekend begins, for me with an hour in the swimming pool clinging closely to the most attractive girl in our gutbusting group, followed by a woman presenting her buttocks to us whilst doing her muscle stretching exercies in the steam room and then an expensive tour of the continental market in the St James fair struggling back with bags of olives, razcherries, french cheeses (their entire september export by the look of my burgeoning cheese board), penis shaped bread with testicular rolls to match the phallic salami. The chocolate and lemon crepes didn’t make it back to the car….
We have old friends coming for lunch so it is a relaxing morning for me listening to Ginastera estancia ballet dances, whilst ploughing through paradise lost, whilst everyone else prepares… Dinner at the Ednam Edenwater was simply superb again, New Zealand Isabel and Margaux complimenting the superb food.
My son Stuart went down to Alton Towers yesterday with 4 of his chums in one of their parents new Discovery driven by a special constable – they went on the top 5 rides and got in for 15 pounds instead of the normal outrageous price, then drove back filled with adrenaline and english ale (not the special constable who was driving I hasten to add)
Gutbusting now includes the ridicule of all clinging to a piece of rope and moving like a crab to the deep end and then pull each other out of the pool – on pulling Kim and I out we were asked – who wants to come first, Kim got in first with I insist on coming first – after that it was impossible to pull anyone out of the pool due to giggling. On the way up to the air show I was muching potato and bean pie for breakfast along with a bacon roll – when Radio 4 announced “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried he shall receive the crown of life” as I threw the debris into the bottom of the car with a Doh!
And so to Leuchars with the red arrows 4,000th performance starting with them landing downwind with one over the audience and ended with a go around from the last arrow – they also timely have a routine called Stingray but no mention of Steve Irwin, although Elgars Nimrod Variations poignantly marked the death of the 12 RAF Kinloss airmen with a lone nimrod in the skies. The Battle of Britain memorial flight was unpatriotically underscored by the American composer Samuel ‘Barbers Adagio for Strings. Only an hour queueing at Anstruther Fish Bar which was superb as ever, but I have mastered the queue now by leaving Kim in line whilst I slip off the colourful Ship Inn next door and get a text message when we are near the front. The long drive home was punctuated by Radio Scotland lapsing into lesbian lust – discussing picking up a woman and counting her piercings at the end of the Proms…
We visited the superb Customs and Excise exhibition at the air show (in a caravan that had been confiscated as part of a drug bust) and came away with Customs and Revenue bags which made for an interesting backpack whilst wandering around the Kelso Sunday market…
It was a day out so we went off Quad Biking, squirrel had been stung by a bee (Where the bee sucks. there suck I) and was on steroids so missed out. We drove quads, dressed in what looking fetchingly like anthrax biosuits, as fast as we could through pylons, around bales, through banked tracks and over obstacles – I only got stuck once in a ditch. Lunched on ostrich at the Craw Inn, after seeing the Hutton Exhibition and headed off to Siccar Point for a spot of nude swimming. Jamie commented that although I had been swimming in his drinking water when sailing, I was now swimming in his sewage. Thankfully there are no sharks there because my leg and hands were ripped on the rocks – wonderfully chilly and refreshing though and swimming up rocky coves was wonderful. We managed to order a Flake mcflurry at macdonalds as Stuart was feeling chilly after swimming and throwing up salt water – but they had run out of icecream in Berwick and we managed to block the drive through whilst they sorted out Macdonalds actually giving you money back.
Spent all weekend on the RYA Seamanship course so I am now a Salty Seaman, even though it was in unsalted Edinburgh’s drinking water reservoir. However, I can now apparently control a boat without a rudder or daggerboard using my weight and the jib sail (if ploughing into the beach can be described as control), and pick up a man overboard (without running him over or pullinghis head off as I did the first few times). Was sailing a catamaran (had to capsize that and get it back again which was a challenge) and an expensive Laser 2000 which was a swift little craft. I am sore all over – although that might have been from helping place a large concrete block in a hole for a mooring post (not only do we have to do the course we have to build part of the place too). All great fun and I got the chance to show that Freezing the Balls off Brass Monkeys was apocryphal.
The elderly neighbour went off to Cuba on a Saga tour ‘to die’, although she came back thus robbing me of the chance to fly out and reclaim her remains on a 10 day tour of the island. However she did bring me back a pair of maracas as compensation.
Berry Of The Month – the Goji berry otherwise known as the Wolfberry has reached Kelso at last – yummy and healthy too apparently.
Name of the month has to be Etruscan King Lucius Tarquinius Superbus who poorly negotiated the Sybelline Books from the Cumaean Sybil (three books for the price of nine).
Poem of the month
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Yeats
The top ten Sexual Positions to give Women orgasms (whatever they are) garnered from the interweb
1. Woman on Top
2. Reverse Cowgirl
3. Rear Entry
4. Modified Missionary
5. The Butterfly
6. Coital Alignment Technique
7. Standing Facing Each Other
8. Standing Rear Entry
9. Sitting Lotus Position
10. Spooning
to be enjoyed whilst listening to Jack Jones warbling Wives and Lovers with the superb lyrics, a cautionary tale to any wife -
Hey! Little Girl
Comb your hair, fix your makeup
Soon he will open the door
Don’t think because there’s a ring on your finger
You needn’t try anymore
For wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I’m warning you…
Day after day
There are girls at the office
And men will always be men
Don’t send him off with your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again
For wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
He’s almost here…
Hey! Little girl
Better wear something pretty
Something you’d wear to go to the city and
Dim all the lights, pour the wine, start the music
Time to get ready for love
Time to get ready
Time to get ready for love
