With my remaining disease being gout it was down to eating loads of cherries and drinking nothing but water. Well gout and a pulled abdominal muscle – done after reading a New Scientist article about people thinking about exercise getting fitter – so I thought about situps and managed to pull a muscle – perhaps I should have thought about a warm up first?

Struggled back to gutbusting and swimming (and swapping disease notes and symptoms in the steam room) and started to walk off a splendid lunch in the Wheatsheaf at Swinton – first Hume Castle, then Edin’s Hall Broch near Abbey St Bathans (we planned to dine at the nice riverside restaurant which was sadly closed when we got back all sweaty in the hot hot day) and finally up to Duns Law (ok we drove most of the way up) and a fabulous view over the Borders (especially if you turn your back on the leaking Scottish Water pumping station) – the stone marked on the map commemorates the Covenantors and is way overgrown – although there were iron age settlements on top of the hill.

As another solution to avoiding long term gout medicine (Allopurinol) I decided to turn to God and became ordaned in the Universal Life Church – officially Reverend Michael Forsyth although I cannot do funerals or weddings in Ohio, Missouri or New York. Not too sure about the legal status in the UK either – perhaps I can perform a marriage ceremony for the sheep and cattle – I would have to buy the wedding kit though with leather bound bible (I guess my faux leather Koran won’t work) although I must check if it includes a slaughtering ritual for the lambs as well as the funeral side. They didn’t even mind me listing this tome as my favourite book

Finally my bullock castration movie has made it onto Google Videos – although it doesn’t appear to be categorised under Children’s Documentaries as I asked. 39 seconds long and you have to install the Google Video player first.

Feeling better so it is back to Sadistic Jim and GutBusters, with us looking like demented Thunderbird puppets in the water and planning ghost walks around Kelso out of the pool.

Illness struck and Mike has a combination (from the symptoms) of Typhoid Fever and TB, with a touch of gout thrown in for good measure (uric acid levels elevated by a combination of the Lithuanian binge and lack of food).

In addition to losing one stone in weight from lack of food due to stomach pains and diahorrea and an alcohol free period (cannot face the stuff now) I managed to top the lot by fainting on the toilet (whilst reading the Economist about the decline in livestock in our rural vision) – having done this before (reading Virginia Woolf) I wanted to avoid biting through my upper mouth as I did before – so grabbed a towel before heading for the floor.

I woke up feeling groggy and wondering where I was and on looking in the mirror was bleeding from a graze near my left eye. Coincidentally when ordering my new glasses the optician had said that the Lithuanian emergency set, which I had cheaply purchased after having my expensive rimless ones nicked in Vilnius, wouldn’t be allowed in this country as they have a thick edge which could cause damage in an accident – caveat emptor. The glasses were also twisted so it was back to my prescription pair of sunglasses and the odd looks from people when it was raining.

At work I figured I could fix the bent glasses so sitting on my aeron chair I twisted the frame and the lens promptly fell out on the floor. Instinctively I wheeled the chair back to see where it had gone and could hear a ‘crunch’ and the lens had been shattered into 5 pieces. So sunglasses for a few days until the optician kindly fitted a new lens so I don’t get so many funnny looks on dull days now and can read late into the night again.

So back to the doctor for blood tests (8), stool samples (2) and prostate exams (twice just to make sure) – and no-one seems to be ruling out my theory of bubonic plague. Gout has hit hard so several vinegar baths later I ruled out alternative treatment and ignoring the health warnings in the press I swallowed Ibuprofen until the pain eventually went away and I could hobble around.

Now on Colchicine for a quick fix for the pain of acute gout which is back with a vengeance – but taking cherries and drinking gallons of water as a definitive cure for gout as opposed to long term medicine.